Lahoris Get A Grip!

Our fascination with India seems to have no end. Now it appears to border on obsessive compulsiveness. Attention to all psych. wards: Keep your doors open.

The endless lines at Lahore Airport dying to catch a glimpse of Sania and Shoaib clearly indicate that our awaam is deluded. Especially the guy who spent Rs. 6000 on a rental van and drove all the way to the airport only to discover after waiting for 5 hours that the couple left the airport from the back exit. Get a grip guys! By the way, ask this same guy to buy some medicines that could be life-saving in an emergency situation, and he'll probably pick up a brick and throw it at the doctor and round up his buddies, who will spend the next 3 hours breaking down every door, window, and facility of the hospital with the justification that no one bothers to help the poor in need and that doctors are careless, ruthless, and murderers.

Then there's the 5'4'' guy (and so many others like him) who was practically whining and about to cry as he told the media cameramen that life is only about 2 days of happiness (2 pal ki khushi)----and for them, the key to their utopia belonged in Sania's hands---had she consented to exit the airport with Shoaib from the main door of the airport in front of all the Lahoris to see (read: gawk), it would have appeased them and carried them through the gates of nirvana!

Their ecstasy would have been further heightened had she posed with every maja, gamma on the plane for a Kodak moment, and let every person in the PC lobby approach her and touch her. But, unfortunately, Sania robbed every Lahoris' God given birth-right to stare, ogle, and rip a person limb from limb with their eyes......she snatched the very thing that would have satisfied their hunger and lust for all things Indian....in short, she trampled on their euphoria and stabbed their happiness to death.

The point is: ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR ******* MINDS!!!! Do any one of these idiots realize that their collective effort invested in hounding Sania and Shoaib, if put to good use would have reaped astounding benefits that could very possibly change the track this country is on. Why not stand for hours in front of the sugar mills owned by the dracula politicians and demand the cost of sugar be reduced to an affordable price. How about driving to the airport and asking Zardari why he constantly spends so much time abroad when he should be working day and night to provide the awaam with roti, kapra, makaan. How about staging a sit-in protest in front of WAPDA and demand that every corrupt employee, top to bottom, should be ousted with immediate effect and the energy crisis be solved promptly. How about getting together to do something beneficial for your country instead of wasting precious time on some Indian chick who could care less whether the people of Pakistan were hospitable or not. Rest assured, she sure as hell doesn't think we're hospitable----more like crazy and total crack-pots.

And one more thing......Shoaib, we understand your dough might be running low by now, considering your hanky panky with it during the cricket tours has finally caught up with you (by the way, we also know the shopping spree you took Sania on and the millions you continue to spend isn't really helping your monetary situation either)....plus your career isn't flying high like it used to (although some say it never really took off)---so as a last ditch effort to catch the fading rays of the lime-light and maintain some semblance of celebrity-hood, you're partaking in the idiocy known as media hype, sensationalism, and cheap popularity.....dude, I just have one thing to say to you: Get over yourself!

Impossible Is Nothing

"Your daughter is an impossible case!" muttered the 80 year old match-maker to my mom.


My "impossibility" was that I had a list of things I was looking for in the guy I wanted to marry. Apparently being well-educated, financially secure, well-mannered, sincere, honest, genuine, able to handle marriage and its responsibilities, and having integrity was asking too much of a guy--and inadvertently cast me as the "impossible" 30 year old. Looking for someone belonging to a decent family background with good Islamic and moral values was too high of an expectation. Wanting someone who is not a hypocrite and a liar, and hasn't been previously married merited as ''extremely high standards''.


Now, there is a serious flaw in all this: #1. I'm not impossible and #2. Never take advice from an 80 year old. Especially that 80 year old who has nothing better to do in life except bestow upon himself the notion that the rest of his living days should be spent in the confines of his house taking calls from random no-bodys and then proceeding to convince others that the proposal being suggested is absolutely perfect for their son or daughter. Apart from this, the only other activity left is to dunk his dentures in a glass of water.

My list, I was told, was nothing but a fantasy, and I'm destined for spinsterhood. It's impossible to find a guy these days with even ONE of the things in the list, said the geezer.


Well, let's take a look at what the guys want: beautiful, loving, caring, confident, good sense of humor, keen interest in family, understanding, compromising, be there through the highs and lows, traditional but knows how to have fun (what in the world does that mean by the way?!!), accepting of his imperfections, adapt to his family, loyal, compassionate, intelligent, religious, share his interests and passions, pretty eyes, pretty smile, honest, reliable, educated, and trustworthy. And these are just some of the items from their list.....so now who is asking for too much?


Truth is there are no impossibilities in this world. Anything is possible. What is needed, actually, is a firm belief in self and in God. A conviction that despite the odds, despite the turn-downs, despite the wretched bitterness that people love to shove in your face, despite the defeatist attitude of our society, despite the put-offs, despite the disappointments, despite the tough luck, despite the bad luck, despite the feeling of hopelessness at times, despite the feeling that life isn't giving you a break, despite the feeling that God isn't listening, despite the feeling that nothing is working in your favor, despite ALL THIS----things will look up and the day will shine brighter. The moment will come when everything you've been hoping for will suddenly wrap you up in its grip and remind you that you really do deserve all this and much more.....it was just a matter of time. 

Boys And Their Girls

Shoaib Malik's nikah to Sania Mirza is nothing but a publicity stunt. The kid craves attention and can't get enough of it! I strongly believe he enjoyed every moment he duked out with Aisha---anything for those infamous 15 minutes! He thoroughly loved how the media kept track of his every move---from the shopping spree he took Sania on to the rebuttal demanded of him when Aisha said she aborted his baby to the confiscation of his passport---he lapped it up every bit! Whatever could drag him into the spotlight was fair game for him----the phone chat on Sania's terrace (he could've talked on his cell in any part of the house!...but he chose the terrace) knowing full well the paparazzi was filming every second of it. Days later, he comes out and demands privacy----c'mon Shabby....you know you're loving it!!

And then there's Adnan Sami Khan's wedding with Roya---not a publicity stunt, but a booty call. Of course, it won't last only the weekend as most booty calls do....this one will go the ride. In the mean time we all know Adnan's rejuvenated body, after losing a 150kg from his original weight of 240kg, has brought not only a spring in his step, but re-charged the batteries in places that have been waiting impatiently for some serious action!

On A Lighter Note

So now that my friends think I'm getting too serious with my writing--I've decided to ''lay low'' and chill out for a while.

But, if anyone knows me, they'll tell you that "laying low" isn't that easy for me. Anyways, this time I think I'll have to chill out because some things are on my mind---and I'm really not in the mood to reflect on society and its ills---but want to reflect on what's going on with my life.

Don't worry, I'm not going through a mid-life crisis. And even if I were, I wouldn't be sitting here typing--I'd be some place having a shit fit.

So lately, the scene swirling around in my life is my shaadi. Word has it that I'm getting old (didn't know it was that bad....I thought 30 was ok) and soon to join the ranks of expired canned food---well at least that's how it's being described to me if I don't get married soon. Supposedly, you hit a certain age, like an expiry date, and BAAM!!! you're automatically taken off the shelf. Wasn't aware I was a product.

Truth is, I never paid much attention to my age and the stories that accompany it. It has and always will be just a number to me. I don't feel it and never have. I have a bunch of friends who are flipping out over the big 30......still don't get what they're exactly whining about.

So I'll cut to the chase. After meeting all kinds of guys---the guy who walked in with his mud drenched Nikes and ruined our carpet; the 5'5'' guy who came with his mom and proceeded to gossip and back-bite about some people I work with, and also later informed me that he hasn't figured out why people in America say "Yup"; then there was the guy who was polite and good looking but totally under his mom's control (he later told the auntie who introduced them to us that he wished his mom would have said yes); to the guy who put everything on his plate and nibbled some of it and ended up wasting all the food and later on interviewed me as if I was applying for my post-graduate residency; to finally the guy who sent me his picture via email and wrote that he was "balled" and not "bald"-------after meeting them and so many more, I've reached my grand conclusion: Because they haven't figured themselves out yet, therefore they don't have a clue about what they want. As a result, they go around looking for girls from one house to the next---aimlessly wandering and all the while asserting that they just can't seem to find "the one". They'll never find "the one" because they don't know what it means and what it takes to find "the one"!!!

I was beginning to think the problem was with me---but now I've realized that I could do a million things to fulfill their criteria and still not make the cut, because these boys and their moms will never be satisfied. Finding a rishta in our society has become nothing more than a cup of afternoon tea. I could be 24 right now, and they'd still find something wrong with me. And if they are looking for the epitome of beauty to be reflected in my face, then here's the deal you retards: Are you the hunk I dream about? Are you Tom Cruise, Daniel Craig, James Martin, Roger Federer, Fawad Khan, Humayun Saeed, Wajahat Khan, Leonardo Di Caprio, George Clooney, or Colin Farrell??....I didn't think so!